Empire of Dirt
by DevinBourdain
Summary: He should have just listened to John's constant complaints, came out of his lab for air once and awhile instead of waiting for Sheppard to drag him out kicking and at mistake was now going to haunt Rodney for the rest of his advertently leaving Rodney in charge was a lapse in judgement that Sheppard and Rodney would take to the grave.
1. I Focus on the Pain, the Only Thing's

Disclaimer: The Stargate Atlantis characters are not mine, just borrowed for this story.

Warnings: language and violence.

Reviews are always welcome

**Empire of Dirt**

**Chapter 1: I Focus on the Pain, the Only Thing that's Real**

_"I think they're gone now. I mean, they've definitely left the area. Hopefully, their friends aren't waiting for us at the gate. Maybe we should just stay here for awhile and wait for Lorne to come to us, just to make sure. They didn't see us, no thanks to your big mouth, but they might come back. What do you think Sheppard?"_

_"Sheppard?"_

_"Oh, that's really mature, Sheppard. The silent treatment? What are we four?"_

_"Sheppard!"_

_"Shep... oh god no."_

* * *

Rodney sat out on the North Pier and stared out into the vast ocean. The ground was hard and uncomfortable and probably doing nothing for his back, but it was preferable to being around the population of Atlantis: the military personnel who stared at him with judgement, the scientists with sympathy, the friends that looked at him with concern, pity and maybe just a little bit of blame. He supposed the last part was just his imagination. He did tend to let it wander out here.

Perhaps that's why he came out to the pier. He hadn't been out there since Carson died. Secretly he had hoped Sheppard would appear, tell him it hadn't been his fault, that the others were telling him the truth when they said Rodney wasn't to blame. Maybe he just needed to tell Sheppard he was sorry, but the man never materialized.

He couldn't help but dwell on everything he had done wrong on the mission, which had gone spectacularly sideways. More importantly, he couldn't help but fixate on how he had handled things, or rather didn't handle them.

* * *

Sheppard sucked in a deep breath, enjoying the warm sun and traces of sweetness on the breeze. Every once and awhile it was nice to just take a moment and forget the hundred and one problems that seemed to plague the Atlantis expedition at any given time. Letting his hands slip from resting against his P90, he moved away from the Stargate.

The planet had little information in the ancient database, other than being unpopulated and tropical, and the MALP recon had turned up nothing that contradicted that assessment. Still, a lot can change in a couple millennia, and what the Ancients had dismissed as a nice place to visit but insignificant, could yield results for the team. Really, one had to jump at any opportunity to enjoy a potential vacation spot when the opportunity arrived.

"Explain to me again why we're here?" whined Rodney, as he sauntered towards his three teammates.

"Exploring new worlds is our job Rodney," replied the Colonel. The smile he was trying to hide slipped a fraction at Ronan's irritated huff. McKay had made it no secret that he had no desire to be a part of this particular mission.

"It might be part of _your_ job, but at the moment, mine is happening in Atlantis without me. Do you have any idea how badly Radekis going to mess that project up?" ranted Rodney.

"I'm sure Zelenka has everything under control. Besides, what are you really worried about? Radekwon't give you credit?" Sheppard teased.

"The only one who should be _giving_ credit is me, but instead of working on actual important things, you've dragged me out to wander around in the sticks on a worthless planet." The scientist wasn't pulling any punches as his voice rose from slightly irritated to full on dictator.

"Perhaps we will find something even more interesting here," offered Teyla, trying to smooth out some of the Doctor'sruffled feathers.

"If there was anything of interest, the MALP would have picked it up. No we're here so our fearless leader can spend a day lounging in a hammock." Ignoring Ronan and Teyla's curious looks, he pressed on, "No you watch, there's probably some tribe of scantily clad women around here that will elect Sheppard as their god and I'll be stuck being the cabanaboy while Zelenka makes the discovery of the century!"

John rolled his eyes. Dragging Rodney out of his lab once and a while for something other than a doomsday scenario or a potential scientific wet dream was good for him; even if the rest of the team had to bleed from their ears as a result. It had become Sheppard's mandate to push it more since Carson's death as Rodney had chosen to deal with it by slowly locking himself away more and more. "Are you pouting McKay?"

"I don't pout. I'm not two," huffed the scientist, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Could have fooled me," muttered Ronan before taking the lead through the clearing.

McKay paused in the presence of the bright orange flowers that were curling their way towards the sun. They were unlike anything he had seen on Earth or anywhere he had visited in the Pegasus Galaxy. It probably would have been far more fascinating had he been a botanist but he could still appreciate the rarity of them. More importantly, he knew a botanist that would not only appreciate the find, but revel in the fact that McKay had actually thought of someone else.

Teyla quickly slapped his hand away as he reached towards the thick patch of orange growth.

"What the hell was that for?" snapped Rodney, rubbing the sting out of the back of his hand. He glared at the Athosian. "I was just going to bring back a sample for Katie. Something useful should come out of this giant waste of time."

"While I'm sure your intentions were noble, that particular flower would not be the way to go," cautioned Teyla. Sheppard and Ronan looked more invested in the conversation after hearing the note of worry in Teyla's voice. "This particular plant is rare but dangerous. It has sharp spines it can shoot out when threatened that contain a toxin with most undesired effects."

"The plants are sentient?" asked Sheppard.

"More of a defensive response to things that touch them," offered Teyla. "The toxin acts quickly making the infected turn into what can be compared to as an emotional child. There is confusion, slower reflexes, almost a regression. It is not fatal but the symptoms can cause those inflicted to do irrational things that lead to deadly situations."

"Right, so orange flowers bad," surmised the Colonel. "Everyone keep their hands to themselves. I don't feel like chasing anyone through the jungle playing hide and seek."

* * *

Rodney's hands gripped tightly to the edge of the pier as he let his legs dangle over. The anger he had felt for having to go on the mission in the first place hadn't dissipated, simply shifted onto other things, more important things. In hindsight, the situation hadn't called for the response he had given. It was another mission, like all the others before; interrupting yet another experiment that Rodney would have liked to perform. There was a reason he was on a gate team and not just his unparalleled intellect and unique ability to constantly save Sheppard's ass; he was in it for the potential of great discoveries that so often accompanied off world exploration. If he was going to be really introspective, he liked the sense of camaraderiethat came from belonging to the team.

Something had just rubbed him the wrong way that fateful day and everyone was going to be a miserable as he was. Chalk it up to his horrible interpersonal skills. Even being surrounded by the quintessential paradise wasn't enough to calm his somewhat justified but ultimately irrational anger. But trust Sheppard to be able to turn a beautiful, tropical paradise into a warzone.

A group of Genii soldiers just happened to be lurking on the otherwise uninhabited planet and they didn't take too kindly to an Atlantis team dropping in on their nefarious activities. The inevitable shootout had done nothing to soothe Rodney's disposition and now looking back he felt a stab of guilt over adding unnecessary stress to an already hectic situation.

A small smile pulled at the scientist's lips as he stared out into the vast blue of the ocean before him. The Colonel just had to go and play the hero, never willing to shirk his duties for common sense. His smile quickly vanished, replaced by cold emptiness. If only Sheppard had ended the mission, let the Genii go and ordered the team back through the gate.

Rodney slammed his fist down on the hard metal of the pier, instantly regretting it. It wasn't a fair thought. This wasn't Sheppard's fault. Actually it kind of was, but it was Rodney's job to save Sheppard from himself. He should have fought harder to stay and finish his project, the one that had been so important at the time, but now paled in comparison to what happened on that planet. If he had just convinced John to let him stay, the Colonel would have given the mission to another team, not wanting to go a man down. But Sheppard was stubborn, almost as much as Rodney.

He should have just listened to John's constant complaints and came out of his lab for air once and awhile instead of waiting for Sheppard to drag him out kicking and screaming. That mistake was now going to haunt Rodney for the rest of his life.

* * *

"We need to follow," stated Sheppard. The tell-tale whirl of Ronan's gun signalled the taciturn man's approval of the plan.

"Oh why?" protested McKay, looking thoroughly put out. "You've got them on the run, there's no one between us and the gate. I say we cut our loses and leave while the leaving's good. Or is this going to be another example of 'they touched our toys'?"

Even Teyla's never ending patience was wearing a little thin as she forcefully asked, "Do you not think it prudent to figure out how the Genii obtained weapons like ours?"

"Not regular Genii," grunted Ronan, eyes scanning the horizon as his whole being itched to engage the enemy. "Uniform was slightly different."

"Ronan's right," concurred with John. "There's a new insignia patch on their shoulders. Besides, I don't think Laden would be that brave or stupid to risk engaging us like this. Not when were supposed to be allied."

"Do you believe them to be part of one of the factions trying to over throw the Genii government that Laden spoke of," inquired the Athosian.

"If they are, they might have information Laden might be _grateful_ for, earn us a couple of favours down the line. At the very least, like McKay said, I don't like to share my toys. We need to find out how and from where they got our weapons." With a quick hand signal to Ronan, Sheppard ordered, "Let's move out."

Dejectedly, Rodney fell in line mumbling, "How could this day get any worse?"

* * *

There was the death nail. '_Ask and ye shall receive_,' thought Rodney bitterly. If there was one thing the Pegasus Galaxy could do, it was make things worse.

How many fire fights against impossible odds had they managed to survive without a scratch? So many that seven Genii shouldn't have been a problem. The odds had been stacked in their favour,what with Super Soldier Ronon, Teyla Warrior Princess and Colonel Unstoppable. Rodney had even been perfectly happy to duck and cover once the shooting began and stay out of everyone's way.

Rodney clenched his fists in anger. Things went to hell because some bluish lemur thing had chosen that moment to jump in front of Ronon and howl in fright, giving away the team's position and the element of surprise. What should have been a simple surround and take prisoners, turned into an open fire-fight.

"You couldn't just let it go could you Sheppard?" he posed to the universe at large. It wasn't a fair thought. Logically, Rodney knew the importance of solving the weapons riddle but why did John always have to play the goddamn hero? Why did he always have to try and save him?

* * *

The bullets started spraying their now all too familiar rattle, disturbing what very well could have been a postcard scene; the tacky ones that said _wish you were here_, when in reality one probably took the vacation to get away from the one they sent the card to. Rodney stood there slacked jawed for a moment before autopilot kicked in and he started to clumsily back away.

Sheer panic didn't even have time to take hold as something solid and massive slammed into him, stealing the breath from his lungs and knocking the scientist off his feet. The world began to spin in a kaleidoscope of greens, blues and bright orange. McKay landed at the bottom of the hill in an undignified heap, the mysterious weight pinning him down. With a huff, he glanced down only to take in a mop of black hair. Of course he would break Sheppard's fall.

"You okay Rodney?" mumbled the Colonel, scrambling off of his companion.

"No thanks to you," McKay snorted in reply. He was going to be feeling all those bumps and bruises for days. They needed a saving technique that didn't hurt so much.

"You're welcome," John snapped, absently rubbing the back of his neck, and pulling out debris tangled in his collar from the trip down.

Both men stared back up the hill. It would have been difficult to see that distance to start with, but the dense foliage made it impossible.

The sounds of battle started to grow distant before ceasing all together. John shifted from foot to foot, anxious to find out what was happening in the fight he was now excluded from. Tapping his radio, he ordered, "Teyla, Ronon, come in. Are you guys okay?"

"This is Teyla. The group has split in two. Two are following us but we believe the remaining four are working their way to you. I can confirm they have one down," returned Teyla, slightly out of breath. "Ronon was hit but we do not believe it is serious. We can attempt to lose these two then circle back for you."

"Negative. You and Ronon head for the gate. Get Ronon to a medic and send reinforcements back. Rodney and I will see if we can find another way back to the gate. Hopefully we can meet you there."

"Understood."

Sheppard stood there for a moment running over options and assessing McKay. Odds that started in their favour were quickly going the other way. The most direct route back would put them directly in the path of their new pursuers.

McKay glared in response to the sudden attention that left him feeling like a bug under a microscope. Was Sheppard really scrutinizing him and his chances of making it out of the mess Sheppard had landed them in? The persistent anger that had embraced him the whole mission thus far flared up with renewed vigour.

"Our best bet is to head that way, see if we can find an easy spot to climb up and then head for the gate. Hopefully by the time our friends make it down here, we'll be long gone," offered the Colonel.

"And that's our plan? Wander aimlessly, hoping to find a less steep slope to crawl up then try and make our way to the gate and just hope our Genii friends don't find us?" snapped Rodney. He could be safely tucked away in his lab on the verge of a Nobel Prize, instead he was covered in dirt at the bottom of what might as well be a cliff, from the tumble they'd taken down it, and all because some boneheaded flyboy wanted to work on his tan.

"Yeah Rodney, _that's the plan_. And right now it's the only one I got," defended Sheppard, trying to match the same bite McKay managed.

"Yes, because the last one worked out so well!" Rodney thought he saw a flash of hurt cross John's face but it was quickly masked by Sheppard's usual calm demeanour**.**

"We don't have time for this," interjected Sheppard, wiping the sweat off his forehead and rubbing at his neck. "We need to get you back to the gate."

McKay shook his head but silently fell in line.


	2. Try to kill it all away, but I remember

**Chapter 2: ****Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything**

People skills, Rodney really needed to get some. If he had them he would have pulled his head out of his ass long enough to notice someone else, notice the signs that were right in front of him. He should have at least picked up on the clues, Sheppard himself was giving.

It had been right there like a giant red flag, but he had been so consumed with anger. He'd say that it wasn't like him, but that would be a lie; Rodney was very quick to anger, but the situation hadn't called for that level. It was a kernel of frustration that had been slowly roasting for months and had chosen that mission to pop. It was the worst possible time to be too pissed off to notice. John had needed him to piece it together because they both knew Sheppard would never admit that he was in trouble. No, the numbskull had planned to soldier on, only concerned about the team's safety instead of his own.

* * *

Sheppard steadied himself against one of the trees, giving into the dizziness by pressing his forehead against his arm as he waited for McKay to catch up. He'd set a gruelling pace once they made it up from the ravine. Althoughit was imperative that he push both of them that hard, even John was struggling with it now.

"I thought you didn't leave people behind?" wheezed McKay as he dropped to his knees beside the Colonel. He was exhausted and aching in places he didn't know he could, but still managed to give his breathy words unnecessary bite and spite.

John's head snapped up in alarm. He had only been a few yards a head hadn't he? It was getting hard to concentrate on anything beyond his single minded focus of getting the scientist back to the safety of Atlantis. "Are you hurt?" he asked, full of concern and with a hint of panic.

The scientist just looked confused. "What?"

The Colonel gave his head a shake and closed his eyes for a moment. Like flipping a switch, the odd youthful and vulnerable tenor to his voice disappeared as he adopted a more formal stance. "Suck it up McKay. It can't be much further and we haven't even seen our friends yet." As if on cue, a bullet slammed into the tree by Sheppard's head, bringing down a hail storm of bark.

"You had to say that!" wailed McKay as John grabbed him by the tac vest and dragged him into the dense underbrush.

* * *

Rodney let out a strangled laughed as he thought about how right Teyla had been. Sheppard's decline had been rapid. It started with the confusion and disorganization, which would have been enough to deal with; manageable. The Athosian had been right on the money with the comparison to an overly emotional, needy, child.

In no time at all there had been little Rodney could say or do that didn't apparently hurt Sheppard's feelings, and wasn't he amazingly good at looking like McKay had just kicked his puppy every time he snapped at John.

Rodney wasn't good with kids to start with. Adding semi-automatic weapons, determined soldiers, a foreign planet and two team members down, created the perfect storm. Rodney had all the time in the world to feel bad about it now, but it wouldn't change how he hadacted out there. Under normal circumstances none of Rodney's actions would have bothered Sheppard, or maybe they would have, but he would have kept it to himself; John kept everything to himself.

Perhaps that was the problem. Rodney would never know if anything he did hurt Sheppard because the man would never express that it did. It probably was what made the open hurt and sadness that John suddenly couldn't help but show, dig at McKay's soul all the more.

It was just like John to push his own problems aside for the others. Instead of acknowledging he had been pricked by those damn flowers and accepting Ronon and Teyla's offer to come back and help, he had sent them through to gate to seek medical treatment for their own wounds. Instead of telling Rodney he was in trouble, the Colonel had forged on, hoping that he could get McKay to the Stargate before it became an issue.

_Damn him anyways_ thought Rodney. Sheppard's desperate need to be the protector had put them both in danger. The man was compromised, and setting them up for a scenario where Rodney himself would have to take charge. Where did John get off leaving Rodney to make the hard decisions on his own? He wasn't fit to make the calls that would impact their survival -that was John's department. His was scientist and using his vast intellect to save the team at the last minute from some ultimate disaster, not mad men with guns. He could run a lab and scientists and even then ego in that department had allowed him to destroy a solar system.

That was the mistake of the whole mission. John inadvertently left Rodney in the leadership role. That lapse in judgment would be the thing Sheppard and Rodney would take to the grave.

* * *

"You're infected aren't you," accused McKay.

John rolled his head from watching the armed Genii guarding the gate to McKay who was kneeling beside him under the cover of the forest foliage. "I don't know what you're talking about," protested Sheppard, aiming for a casual brush off of the other man's concern.

"Yeah, I'm sure you don't," growled McKay. "It was the flowers back where we were ambushed wasn't it? You had to be the damn hero and push me out of the way and tumble into them didn't you," he added in an accusatory whisper.

Sheppard scowled. "It's better than the alternative McKay."

"How is this better? We're stuck on the wrong side of the gate with armed Genii and the guy that's supposed to be able to take care of things like this, is about two seconds from emotionally turning into a child!"

"What exactly is your problem lately Rodney?" asked Sheppard.

The question threw the scientist off guard. The Colonel wasn't the first person to comment on his abundant crankiness lately, but he was the first person whose opinion gave him pause. Even Rodney had noticed his fuse was quicker to ignite lately but that wasn't the issue here. No the problem at hand was that once again the team was in a position that was further complicated by some need to be overly heroic and it was going to fall to McKay to get them out of it; only this time the answer wasn't scientific. "You know what, focus on the problem at hand and shut up and let me think. Someone with full control of their faculties needs to come up with a plan to get us out of here."

"What did you have in mind?" asked John, slightly hopeful.

* * *

"That should have been my first clue," sighed Rodney, mesmerized by the deep and changing blues of the ocean. Sheppard never willingly handed over control. Things had gone downhill rather quickly after that. It was almost as if John had stopped fighting it, like he felt he could safely put his life in the hands of someone else.

Rodney let out a bitter laugh. He should have felt honoured that John had trusted him enough to believe that McKay could get them out of a clearly military situation. Obviously they had both been delusional at that point; John for putting his life in Rodney's hands and McKay for actually thinking he could get them out of there.

* * *

"What are you doing here? And what part of stay there and don't move do you not understand?" raged McKay in a barely controlled whisper as Sheppard crawled over to him. He had made his way rather stealthily to the opposite side of the gate in preparation of creating a distraction to lure the six heavily armed Genii soldiers away from the gate and shut it down so Atlantis could dial in and send a rescue team, and now Sheppard was threatening to derail Rodney's sad attempt of a master plan. "All you had to do was stay there out of danger and yet here you are."

"You wouldn't really leave me here would you?" asked John with a wobble in his voice that matched his lip. He had a youthful look on his face that might have been described as cute by one of the nurses on Atlantis but now was nothing more than a red flag highlighting just how far gone John was. Worse yet, it conveyed a sense that the man actually believed that Rodney would leave him behind.

McKay rolled his eyes. There it was again, that feeling that he'd just told a child that Christmas was cancelled. He pinched the bridge of his nose feeling a headache coming on. He wasn't any good with kids and now here he was, dealing with an adult sized one in a perilous situation. "I'm sorry," he offered in an attempt to forestall the waterworks that seemed to be threatening. With a forced calm he amended, "I'm going to say it one more time, because clearly you're not in your right mind. I'm going to lead them away from the gate, swing back, grab you and deactivate the wormhole that has been preventing Atlantis from dialling in and sending a rescue. Then we can go home."

"That sounds dangerous," John posed in a small voice.

"Of course it's dangerous! Those are heavily armed men over there and I'm _me_ and you're not _you_ right now."

"This is a really bad plan," Sheppard added causally as though he expected better from Rodney. "You're supposed to be smart."

"Yeah, well it's the best I can do under the circumstances considering you have the capabilities of a drunken sailor."

A rueful smile spread across John's face. "Air force," he announced slowly as though McKay was the one having difficulties understanding the situation, "not navy."

"Shut up."

* * *

It really hadn't been the worst plan ever conceived by their team. It wasn't a sure bet, but they had pulled off crazier stunts. Rodney pursed his lips as he calculated the odds of success. Working the formula helped take off some of the frustration and made him feel better about what he had proposed.

It all came back to the same variable. If Sheppard had been the one leading it, if he had come up with the plan, it would have gone off without a measurable hitch. John managed to make the impossible possible.

* * *

McKay's heart hammered in his chest as he and Sheppard ran through the darkened forest under a hail of bullets. It was an all too familiar occurrence, but the commonplaceness of it didn't deter from the gut wrenching fear that weaved its tentacles over every inch of his being every time it happened. This part of the plan Rodney had become very familiar with. He could add DF to the lengthy list of titles that followed his name; doctorate of fleeing. This wasn't exactly like any other time though. Sheppard was counting on him to be 'the man', the one to get them out of impossible military situation and the doctor found himself missing the Colonel's unshakeable optimism.

This infected Sheppard was just like the rest of them, scared, maybe even a little hopeless, and that frightened Rodney even more; which in turn, pissed him off even more, perpetuating an unhelpful closed circuit reaction. Sheppard had trusted him once before and Rodney had almost gotten them killed alongside the solar system he destroyed. Now, the man was depending on him again, even if he no longer had the faculties to realize his life was resting on McKay's shoulders. Really, they weren't very good at shouldering life or death kinds of responsibility.

Rodney slowed to a jog as the landscape changed into a rougher, rockier terrain. The change in speed almost had John slamming into the back of him before they both came to a stop.

"This is a terrible plan," continued Sheppard with his running commentary in a childish singsong voice that had persisted since fleeing the gate. He looked around at the rock formations like a tourist on vacation, unconcerned as to the danger gaining ground behind them.

There was enough pressure to be the one to get them out of this mess, Rodney certainly didn't need what sliver of a plan he constructed being ridiculed by someone who was as about as helpful as a house plant at the moment. _Actually a house plant would have been more help than John_, he thought, _it would have stayed where it was put_.

"If you aren't going to contribute anything helpful, shut the hell up!" snapped McKay. Clearly he could try and save them, or he could attempt to be tolerable of Sheppard's current condition; doing both wasn't going to be possible.

Sheppard's jaw snapped shut with an audible click. McKay rolled his eyes as the kicked puppy look worked its way back on John's face and for a moment the cranky scientist almost had a Grinch moment. Unfortunately the angry voices of several heavily armed men approaching killed the moment pretty quickly and his compassion for other members of the human race quickly vanished.

"Over here," ordered Rodney, wiggling himself into one of the crevasses in the rocky outcrop before them. It was dark enough and out of sight enough that they might get lucky and the Genii would think they'd kept going.

The Colonel began to slowly follow Rodney's lead when hail of bullets started. Rodney latched onto John's hand and reefed him into the safety of the rocks. Every time the Genii felt they were getting close to the pair, they unceremoniously opened fire, effectively firing at nothing. Apparently they studied at the same school Rodney did because he was all too familiar with the strategy of shooting at every little sound.

"McKay," whined Sheppard, squirming around behind Rodney.

Every hair on the back of the scientist's neck stood on end. He was so ridged, he could have snapped under the sheer tension in his body. Never taking his eyes off the spot the Genii would approach through, he hissed, "Be quiet before you get us all killed!"

A little louder this time, "McKay!"

If the man's pathetic whining didn't give them away, his fidgeting would. And for what? So Sheppard could tell him what a bad plan this was again? Rodney knew that, he never claimed to be a great strategist. So he could whine and pout about not being left alone? That was clearly some deep routed childhood trauma that drove the man's unshakable creed to never leave a man behind and would probably warrant more consideration and analysis when people weren't trying to kill them. "Whatever stupid thing you have to say it can wait."

His irritation was at a boiling point now. Sheppard had been constantly telling him, his plan was no good and it was grating on McKay's last nerve. He was doing the best he could under the circumstance and damn Sheppard anyway for getting himself in this mess and putting Rodney on charge by default.

"McKay." John's voice was a little more pleading this time but still Rodney kept focused on the men getting closer.

"I swear to god Sheppard..."

"Rodney," came an all too soft whisper.

"Shut the hell up!" spat McKay with a fierceness he had never before unleashed. The statement was uttered in a hushed tone but the malice behind it more than made up for its lack of volume.

* * *

"_Shut the hell up!"_

That was the last thing Sheppard heard him say. Sheppard, who was infected with some horrible reminder of how much the Pegasus Galaxy hated them, who needed a friend probably more than he ever had before, had been subjected to all of McKay's frustration and irritation.

Jeanie had always been the one with the people skills in the family. Rodney couldn't count the number of times she'd warned him that his brashness was going to cause not only himself but others pain. He knew she was right then, but he'd never actually cared enough about anyone else to be bothered if his prickliness hurt anyone.

Now he had told his best friend in two galaxies to shut up when he desperately needed McKay's undying attention, when he needed Rodney's help and the scientist had allowed his displeasure at being dragged away from his lab to grow and ferment to a point that Sheppard suffered.

"How am I supposed to live with myself?" Those hadn't been the last words he ever wanted to leave Sheppard with.

* * *

"I think they're gone now. I mean, they've definitely left the area. Hopefully, their friends aren't waiting for us at the gate. Maybe we should just stay here for awhile and wait for Lorne to come to us, just to make sure. They didn't see us, no thanks to your big mouth, but they might come back. What do you think Sheppard?"

The relief McKay felt as he watched the Genii disappear in the darkness of the forest, moving further away from not only them but their ticket home, quickly vanished as he was met with silence. "Sheppard?"

"Oh, that's really mature, Sheppard. The silent treatment? What are we four?" Relief was replaced with frustration at the childish behaviour of his friend. Yes the toxin was messing with the man's mind but surely he could pull it together for a minute to be an adult. It wasn't like the Colonel didn't have it coming. His constant squirming and unhelpful commentary was going to expose them to the Genii and in turn get them killed.

Silence.

"Sheppard!" McKay snapped, twisting around to give the over grown toddler a piece of his mind.

"Shep..." The rant died on his tongue as he turned. "Oh god no."

Time stopped. Rodney couldn't even convince himself to take a breath. Sheppard had wedged himself into the rocky crevasse; it was the only thing keeping the man from slumping to the ground. He was deathly pale, eyes closed, lips tinged faintly with blue. His arm was curled protectively around his stomach, and the blood...

Rodney couldn't look away, there was so much blood. He stood there blinking, paralyzed with the fear that if he reached over, the man would be cold. It took him a few seconds to realize Sheppard wasn't breathing. It was a few seconds too long for Rodney's liking. The realization kicked started his brain and he sprung into action.

Carefully he lowered Sheppard's too still body to the ground. With shaking fingers he checked for a pulse.

Nothing.

"Oh no, no, no, no, no. You do not get to do this." Without thinking he launched into the first aid response Carson had been trying to drill into his head. McKay rhythmically pounded on Sheppard's chest pausing at regular intervals to force air past the man's too cold lips. The warm blood on the Colonel's chest made horrific squelching sounds as the scientist's hands slipped and slide in his effort to maintain the life of his friend.

The world dissolved into nothingness. Time no longer had meaning or effect as Rodney lost himself to his singular goal. He would continue his attempts forever if there was the slightest change it would yield a positive result. John Sheppard never left a man behind and Rodney was damned if he was going to be the one to destroy that tradition.

A sharp crackle burst over the radio but McKay ignored it. The noise picked up, morphing into a longer garbled sound closely related to English. "eppard…an..ead, ..ay…oo…opy?"

McKay tapped his radio, opening a channel. "Lorne? Is that you?"

"I'm in Jumper Three with Ronan, Teyla, Keller and a team of Marines. We got here as quickly as we could but the gate was busy. We're just about on top of your signal," came the Major's calm yet concerned voice.

"Thank god," McKay sighed, never stopping in his important task. It almost felt like relief, the feeling washing over him as he realized he was no longer alone, no longer the one that had to be in charge, to bear the responsibility of other's lives, but the terror laying before him kept every nerve keyed up and on edge. "Get down here now! Sheppard's dying… he's not breathing and there's too much blood!"


	3. Everyone I Know Goes Away in the End

**Chapter 3: ****Everyone I know goes away in the end **

Rodney closed his eyes to block out the horrific sight that had permanently burned itself into his consciousness. He swallowed hard to keep breakfast from making a reappearance and leaned back until his back was flat against the cool metal plating of the pier.

Everything after making contact with the rescue team was a blur of jumbled moments. The team had landed within seconds of hearing his plea; thank god for Lorne's piloting skills and determination to get through the gate to his stranded compatriots. Rodney made a mental note to thank the man for his attempt. While anyone else on Atlantis would have risked life and limb to ensure their commanding military officer would return, there was a certain persistence and dedication that Lorne brought to everything his did that yielded results unlike anyone else, except Sheppard.

Someone had pulled him off of Sheppard's prone body and it must have been Teyla because Rodney doubted Ronan would have been the one whispering gentle reassurances in his ear as Keller engaged in a losing battle to save the man bleeding to death. All the degrees in the world and the only one that had a chance of saving his friend was one in voodoo, one that Rodney had never bothered to venture towards. The only thing he had done well in that scenario was get his friend killed.

"… _charging paddles to three hundred. Everyone clear!"_

_Thump._

_"Still nothing. I'm going to go again. Clear_."

The image replayed in his head every night muddied with the horror that occurred on the jumper.

* * *

The jumper shook a little as Lorne initiated some maneuvers to avoid the relatively harmless fire being directed at them from far below on the ground by the Genii. Keller, though not satisfied with Sheppard's status had gotten a tentative heartbeat back and had the marines place him on a back board and rush into the safety of the jumper. It was a ten minute journey to the gate but every second threatened death for the Colonel.

McKay couldn't tear his eyes off the prone form which was hooked up with an impressive amount of wires considering they hadn't made it back to the infirmary yet. He practically fell over from his spot seated on the floor next to Sheppard, when the man suddenly sucked in a painfully sounding and sudden deep breath.

Wild green eyes darted around the rear compartment. He pulled frantically at the straps securing him to the back board as he ineffectually twisted his head, frantically searching for something, someone.

Rodney's breath caught in his throat as Sheppard's gaze locked onto him. There was a look of desperation on his friend that made the ground disappear from under McKay; a haunted look that pulled at his soul and he was helpless to erase it from a face that should never look so lost and so lonely.

"Sorry." It was a simple word spoken so quietly Rodney had to strain to hear it. McKay was lost as Sheppard broke out in a litany of 'sorry.'

Despite Keller's attempts to sooth the panicking man, she could not quiet his broken words.

Rodney scooted as close as he could in the confined space, careful of the medical equipment. He slotted his hand into Sheppard's. The Colonel's rapidly twisting fingers grasped onto his with a death grip.

Sheppard tried to say something, only to have it cut short under a mouthful of blood. Rodney leaned in closer trying to make out the words his friend was desperate to get out. He flinched at the wet hacking sound the man made before his broken voice managed, "Please don't leave."

The fingers in Rodney's hand went slack as Sheppard's eyes rolled in the back of his head. John had the same lost and terrified look that Madison did when she thought Rodney had left her at the mall. He silently prayed he's get the chance to see the same relief his niece had expressed when she realized McKay had only stepped around the corner when she had apparently looked away for a moment.

His view was blocked as one of the medics sprung into action.

* * *

There it was. Some deep seeded fear that lived with John every day and it had taken some toxin from a damn flower to expose the man's carefully kept secret to the world. The 'we leave no man behind' was a motto and lifestyle to the Colonel not only because he believed it wholeheartedly but because was terrified he would be forgotten somewhere with no hope of seeing his friends and family again. It was hope that had driven him through every death-defying stunt and desire to protect the people he had embraced as family.

All the man had been looking for was some reassurance and Rodney had been too blind to see it. All those IQ points and he couldn't elevate himself above being petty or rise above the childish behaviour John had thrown at him, that wasn't even the man's fault. Rodney still felt numb to it all just as he had three weeks ago as he stumbled mindlessly out of the infirmary after hearing Keller's report.

John had taken two bullets in the gut and hadn't said anything. _That's not true_, thought Rodney as he scrunched up his face in disgust. John had tried to tell him, several times in fact, but Rodney's anger and ego had gotten the better of him again and he hadn't wanted to hear what a bad plan it was one more time. Especially with the Genii bearing down on them and the slightest sound would tip them off as to their prey's location.

Two bullets and Rodney had told him to shut up.

He wined and complained for days over splinters in an effort to remind people what he had to endure in all the craziness the expedition offered. Sheppard had had a real problem, a real reason to make some noise and he stopped because Rodney had order him to. He had stopped because he was afraid Rodney would have gotten mad and left him behind. There was seriously someone in that man's past that deserved a solid right hook to the face at the very least for seeding that fear in Sheppard.

Teyla and Ronan kept it together, cool under pressure. They got to the gate, kept each other from serious harm and brought back reinforcements. Keller had stepped up like a pro. She had ventured into the fray and did everything she could have for Sheppard but John hadn't been counting on them, he had been counting on Rodney to handle things; to step up when some foreign toxin was robbing him of everything that made him, him.

The Colonel had placed his trust in someone who talks incessantly about things he knows others don't understand or care about yet couldn't just humour Sheppard when the man wasn't in control; which must have been horrible in its own right. Patience, something everyone offered Rodney who navigates social graces like a barrel over a waterfall, failed to offer it to others. Rodney believed his short comings were few but apparently they were in the areas that mattered most, that impacted the people he had come to think of as family the most.

"McKay?" the presence asked tentatively.

Rodney flinched, turning to see who had decided to disturb his quiet introspection. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," answered Sheppard with his hands in his pocket, looking as though his presence might be a hindrance more than a blessing.

"You shouldn't be here, you can't be here," he offered mildly, not wanting the moment to actually end but not entirely sure he wanted to experience it. He'd wanted the chance to speak to John again but now he felt as though there was nothing he could say that would make it better, change what happened.

"Why not?" John asked sitting almost within reach.

"Cause you're..." The words died in his throat. It was almost too painful to give them life.

"What Keller doesn't know won't hurt me," interjected John with a grimace. The sheer effort just to get there had been painful in and of itself, but the empty space between them had been worse. "Besides, I was going a little stir crazy being stuck in the infirmary and since there's cautious talk about letting me go to my quarters tomorrow… I figured a little walk couldn't hurt."

The both fell into a long silence as they stared out at the ocean before them. What use to be described as comfortable was now filled with tension and unsureness. Sheppard had been on death's door for days and when he tentatively started showing signs of life, Rodney found it too difficult to watch, to be reminded of everything John still had to suffer on the road to recovery because of him. McKay had made himself scarce, not wanting to add to the man's burden or worse believe he was going to make any sort of recovery only to have that hope yanked away by some all too probable complication.

"I want to apologise."

Rodney glanced over in shock at not only the break in silence but what John had said. "For what?"

John looked uncomfortable for a moment as he tried to find the words to elaborate on what he had been dwelling on for the last few weeks. "I should have... I wasn't... You needed me and I... I failed."

"I don't know about that. I'm alive aren't I?" Rodney managed as he shook his head to try and process what John was saying. Of all the things he thought the Colonel would want to say, 'I'm sorry' wasn't on the list. Of course his list included more yelling and name calling; all of which Rodney believed he deserved.

"I essentially left you out there alone to deal with armed men in a situation that's not exactly in your wheel house. It's my job to protect the members of this expedition in situations like that and I forced you to be the one to figure it out," confessed Sheppard, looking like Rodney felt.

"You didn't do it by choice. And it wouldn't have happened at all if I had just gotten out of the way in the first place so really this is all… my fault?" The word was correct but it still felt foreign in Rodney's mouth.

"You did good out there Rodney. Saved my life…"

"You almost died because I told you to shut up. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me. You trusted me and look what I did with it again. This was worse than a solar system."

"We're both here Rodney. I'd call that a win."

"I just did what I thought you would do, albeit without the same success."

"But it worked, so thank you," John said sincerely.

After a moment Rodney asked, "We're good right? You and me?

"Yeah."

"Good. Thank you John."

Rodney took a moment to make a silent resolution. He had gotten a second chance to be a better brother to Jeanie and now he had a second chance to try and be a better human, a better friend. A person just didn't that many second chances if any in their life, especially when life sucking aliens were a reality. He promised himself he was going to do better by these people, better by those few souls that decided Rodney was worth having as a friend. The awkward silence that had woven its embrace around them dissolved in the warm light of day and the pair resumed their enjoyable silence that fell as they soaked in the beauty of the city they loved.

The end.

* * *

**Thank you to everyone that read this story and those that decided to review. **

**Special thanks to ****pisces317**** for a wonderful beta job!**

**Chapter titles and story title from Lyrics to Hurt-Johnny Cash**


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